Surviving a year of firsts (mourning Mom)

Well, February 15, 2013 is rapidly approaching and, with it, my own 'year of firsts' is almost over. I've made it through Mother's Day, my own birthday, Father's Day, Dad's birthday, Mom's birthday, Thanksgiving, Channukah, Christmas and New Year's with a lot of support from my very loving friends. I've wallowed briefly in the grief that invariably occurs but I've also learned a lot about myself and life in general.

The year has been, at times, trying, but it has also spotlighted just how well my parents prepared me for life in general. I've certainly missed Mom (and Dad) and have had some low times but I've also had some wonderful times as my friends and I continue to laugh at her and Dad's antics. Neither parent is far from my thoughts and, as we approach the 1 year anniversary of Mom's death, the grief comes back in smaller waves these days. The sense of 'a new normal' is occurring and it's not a bad normal at all.

I've spent a lot of time this past year reflecting on exactly how lucky I am to be sharing my life with the best man on earth and the best friends on earth. They've been there right when I've needed them - always. And, they've given me space when I've need it - always.

I've also made some amazing contacts this past year on the internet - people who have found me through my internet writings on senior caregiving and have reached out for advice or help. I've come to understand that I was a pretty good caregiver, even though I learned by the seat of my pants. I've found that, by helping those who reach out, my own grief is lessened. I've also written another eBook which will be published on Kindle shortly. The working title at the moment is "Senior caregiving 101 - things I wish I had known'. It will be the first in a series of caregiving books I hope to write.

And so, as I turn another corner and head off into the rest of my life, I can't look back on 'the year of firsts' as a bad year at all. In fact, if possible, I've grown even closer to my parents as I listen to the lessons they taught me. Lessons I cherish and heed.

Here's an article I wrote on Squidoo about Surviving a year of firsts.
And, for those of you in the same boat, here's a FaceBook page I just started: Support page for those losing or who have lost a parent

Sock Snowmen!

I was searching for some sort of way to thank my friends who helped Mom and me so much during those last  years, and I think I hit it out of the park with Sock Snowmen.

I always bought Mom crazy patterned socks just for fun. She was so easy and never complained about wearing Snoopy or purple socks with pink dots. Strangers would almost always approach us and mention how great her socks were. So, as I thought about what to do with her socks, it hit me...

Sock Snowmen!

John and I made basic sock snowmen and dressed them in Mom's fuzzy socks as sweaters. That's Bobbi's below looking in a mirror:

Here's an article I wrote on Squidoo that was already on the front page - an amazing feat:
http://www.squidoo.com/sock-snowmen-an-inexpensive-christmas-craft

I've been writing still at Squidoo and December proves to be bringing me the best return on my investment (which is nothing) ever. Free money is really fun! Here's a few of my most popular articles:

Practical gifts for very elderly senior citizens:
http://www.squidoo.com/practical-gifts-for-very-elderly-senior-citizens

Senior citizen gift ideas - from one who knows:
http://www.squidoo.com/gifts-for-senior-citizens

When death looms - the signs and symptoms of the final moments on earth:
http://www.squidoo.com/death-signs-and-symptoms

Funny Christmas ornaments:
http://www.squidoo.com/christmas-ornaments1

And, after much grumbling, for those of us who have to pay for paper and plastic bags (eh, it definitely helps our landfills), here's Reusable Grocery Bags. Some of these are really nice. I've used one set for 6 months now:
http://www.squidoo.com/fold-up-grocery-bags-small-enough-for-your-pocket-or-purse

Who will eat the ends?

As I make mondel bread in preparation for Hanukkah festivities, I'm surrounded by the love infused in my soul by my parents. I saw Mom looking in the bowl as I mixed the thick batter and utter her age-old comment: 'Looks too wet to me. Add more flour.' So I did.

When it came time to lick the bowl, I was surprised to be overcome with welled eyes. Mom always was my 'helper' in the kitchen and could be counted on for a good bowl cleaning. Today, I had Sharyn, John and 5 dogs helping. I spread my fingers out and all the dogs had a lick of the sticky batter. Sharyn had the beater and John awaited the final product.

As I put the golden pieces warm from the oven into the sugar/cinnamon mixture, I again welled up - Who will eat the ends? For all the years my folks were with me, I always put the ends aside for my Dad. He would be in the kitchen when the cookies came out of the oven and stayed there until a few cookie ends were dipped in a fresh cup of coffee. I see his eyes look at me and I feel his love again as it washes over me.

As I'm surrounded by the best friends on earth this Hanukkah season, I know that, although my parents are no longer physically with me, they are as with me in spirit as they ever were. When people express their sympathy at Mom's passing with a simple 'I'm sorry for your loss,' my reply is always 'We had a nice long run with her.' And we did. We had a nice long run with both of them.

So, as the brisket awaits entry to the oven and potatoes are cleaned and ready for their transformation into potato latkes this Chanukah season, I shall be surrounded at the dinner table by the best friends on earth - the very people who so sustained my Mom and me those last years. The friends who I've chosen to become family.

And, I know who will eat the ends. Tonight, we all will.

All of my senior care articles in one spot

I finally have gotten around to categorizing my senior care and senior gift articles in one place - there's 61 of them! I'm about to start in on a serious writing career and am going to write a book about caregiving. Lord knows I have the experience!

So, here is the article:

http://www.squidoo.com/a-directory-of-senior-citizen-gift-ideas-and-elder-care-articles

Please leave me comments on the bottom of the article if you visit. Note: you don't have to be a member of Squidoo to comment.

BTW: Mom's birthday found me surrounded by the best of friends. Instead of the day of mourning I had predicted, the day turned into a celebration of her life - much nicer than I had expected. We talked about Mom most of the day - telling stories about her and remembering her with great warmth. She was very much a part of our day. She's very much a part of every day.

October 28 - Mom's birthday

Well, every 'year of firsts' after the death of a loved one includes sad days and this might be one of the saddest yet.

Mother's Day was quite difficult for me - in fact, I was a bit taken back by how hard that day was. Mom and I always had a nice morning together on Mother's Day which usually started with me serving Queenie breakfast in bed on one of the trays she loved. We'd sit and have coffee together, surrounded by many dogs greedily eying her toast - she always gave in and treated each to a small piece. Friends would always drop by and sit a spell. We always had great Mother's Days.

And, today, Mom's birthday, is probably about on the same scale of sadness. Today would have been Mom's 96th birthday and, even though I'm heartbroken at the moment, I'm also warmed by thoughts of what Mom and I considered 'a good run.' We had a lot of wonderful days together for which I will be forever grateful. I never thought that I'd become a caregiver nor have a patient so easy to care for. Mom was a gem to all who knew her well.

John and I frequently speak of how lucky we both were to have known Mom. She accepted John with open arms - they had a very mutual respect. She never failed to light up when he came to kiss her hand. And, she once gave him the best comment ever - she said that he reminded her of my Dad. To any who witnessed the love relationship between my folks, this was a compliment on the highest order. Neither John nor I will ever forget that comment.

And, today, Mom has sent me another gift - it's raining. Mom and I loved rain. Instead of seeing inclement weather as a bad thing, we'd hunker down, head to the kitchen to mix up some oatmeal raisin cookies, or just sit and watch her 'Who's the baby daddy' shows. I see the rain as a sign that she's content in another world, hopefully with my Dad, sister, and other family members. I see the rain as a sign that she's still thinking of me.

So, on this rainy day, I'll go visit her grave and place down the red roses she so loved every birthday. John and I will go about our day and toast to her with a glass of her beloved Harvey's Bristol Cream. And, I'll allow myself to be sad even though I'll be surrounded by many friends who love me. And, I'll still miss her.

Dad's Birthday - Sept 7

September 7th would have been Dad's 95th birthday. I felt raw inside - I think it was because this was the first birthday of Dad's since he's been gone that I really got to grieve. After all, Mom is gone so there's no one to prop up emotionally on this day except myself.

Dad loved ripe tomatoes and, quite interestingly, although I hated tomatoes for the longest time, the year he died, I started to crave them. So, on his birthday this year, I piled tuna fish on bread and added a slice of an heirloom tomato which was growing in the garden. Dad would have been proud! Not only that but I honestly think this particular tomato was the sweetest tomato I've ever tasted. Sharyn agreed. So, in our own way, we toasted Dad (pun intended) with a tomato sandwich. I also spent a fair amount of time in his garden sprucing it up for the fall. His garden did beautifully this year - probably because I had more time to tend it.

I've been back to writing at Squidoo and my fortune continues to grow. I love free money! Here's a few of my latest articles:

A year of firsts - surviving the first year after the death of a loved one.

Senior citizen gift ideas - from one who knows.

Practical gifts for the very elderly senior citizen.

Caregiver stress - what it felt like to me.

My mother, myself the art of turning into my own mother.

Daily living aids for the handicapped or disabled.

Who's going to eat the wings?

Although I thought I was done with this blog, Mom's been in my mind so much recently that I knew I had to get this down.

I got up this morning and made Sharyn a lunch for the road as she's headed to NC for a bit. Mom always sent travelers off with a lunch sack - always. Sometimes it was a salami sandwich on rye with mustard, an apple, and some nuts. Sometimes it was a roast beef sandwich with horseradish dressing (my favorite). No matter what, travelers must have food in the car. In fact, when I used to take my folks up to Laughlin in Nevada for their gambling fix, we used to kid Mom as she'd be into her lunch sandwich before I even got to the first light. She was not one to let anyone go hungry.

So, as I opened the rotisserie chicken to slice off some meat for Sharyn's sandwich, I glanced down and saw the two wings - mom's favorite part of the chicken.

I melted. My first thought was "who's going to eat the wings?"

Mom would always be the one who would call the wings when she saw me walk in with a rotisserie chicken. She'd call them early sometimes too as in "If you go to Costco tomorrow and get a rotisserie chicken, I'd like the wings for lunch." This behavior always reminded me so strongly of the times that my sister would call the front seat for car trips. In fact, an hour or two before the trip, we'd find Steph in the front seat, by the window, reading a book, waiting patiently for the rest of the family to appear. Must be an inherited trait.

Anyway, two wings along with a bit of potato salad and a roll would make up Mom's favorite meal. So, as I looked at the chicken, I just sort of dissolved. For the first time ever, I didn't know who would eat the wings, and it was quite a quandary for me. I've never given anyone else the wings. Ever. They were always Mom's.

I'm surprised by the things that set off my grief. I'll be fine one moment and just a puddle of tears the next. I know that it's normal, the grieving process and all that but it still is hard to get through.

And, with this weekend bringing my first Mother's day without Mom, I'm just really emotional.  That damned chicken started it...

So, on Sunday, I shall don her butterfly clip in my hair and wear it proudly all day. I'll put on a pair of her signature goofy socks and walk around the house - heck, I might even go out in them. I'll go visit her grave and drop off some flowers. And I'll try to keep it together. I'll try.